I’m currently doing a study on James with a Bible study group and as we pushed through the text, we came to chapter 1 verse 19:
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”
I know this probably isn’t right to say about anything about the Bible, but I hope if you’re being honest with yourself you can relate… YUCK. Is this not one of the most difficult verses in the entire Bible to obey? I mean, come on James… give us a break. Especially when it comes to marriage. While there is some speculation that James was married, we really don’t know. But given this verse I have to wonder. I mean would any married man write this? Of course it was God-breathed text so we gotta give him that…
Yes, I know I’m probably making some of you squirm in your seats talking about scripture this way, but remember, Jesus was fully human for 33 years and felt many of the things we feel now. I have to imagine there were times He would look at scripture and think “Really Dad? Why’d we come up with that one?” God and I have a pretty honest relationship with each other and I hope you will give me some grace as I walk through this and try to walk you through it as well. Cause honestly, how does this verse work in marriage?
I wanted to make this one single post but realized it’s just not possible. This verse is just too juicy to not break into a series. So my next 3 posts will go through the “shoulds” of James 1:19: Quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. I can’t think of a more important message for your marriage right now and hope you will take to heart what this verse is wanting to convey to us. Let’s get started.
“Quick to Listen…”
I have my Master’s in counseling. I have taken entire classes based on listening and learned how to be an active listener and successful counselor. I still suck at it. Especially this whole “quick” part. As a talkative (typical) woman, I want to explode on Matt with everything that happened in my day as soon as he gets home. I want to share all my thoughts and frustrations and sometimes tell him all the things I need done around the house and what he needs to help with. Sometimes it’s hours before I remember that I never asked him how his day went. Needless to say, that “quick to listen” mentality isn’t one I possess.
This is especially true when an argument is brewing. I hope you can relate when I say there have been several times we have started getting into it only to realize we were not listening to one another and that our argument was just over a complete misunderstanding. Other times it is not a misunderstanding, but we want to say OUR point so much, that we don’t LISTEN to what the other has to say. If you’ve ever fought this battle you know that the only outcome is either A.) Go on until someone (me) breaks down crying in frustration or B.) Go forever until we forget what we are frustrated about and hold a grudge regardless. Matt and I have very few true arguments, but when we do, a lack of listening is generally at the root.
Whether it be an argument or a lack of listening in our day-to-day communication, we can all afford to be a little quick to listen, couldn’t we? Try it this week. You can even really challenge yourself and allow your spouse to say whatever they want without interruption for an entire dinner time. You ask the questions and you be an active listener. Yes, the full thing – eye contact, mind processing, rephrasing, clarification and asking for more. You will be amazed how much you will learn about this person you sleep next to every night and how loved he/she will feel. I’d love to hear what happens!
Are there any other ways you can think of that help you to be “quick to listen” in your marriage?
9 Comments
Hi Erin! So nice to find your blog. I’m also a counselor, transitioning recently to life coach. And I agree, my default reaction is to talk or “counsel” my husband. You can probably imagine how successful that is! Isn’t it great that God’s Word reveals a truth that is so foundational to healthy and loving relationships. Listening is so important and I’m glad you’re bringing that to light in such a real and vulnerable way!
Thanks, Beth! I am also going the route of coaching and love to hear from others in the field! I appreciate your comment!
I read once that if people would listen to understand instead of listening to respond, we would have world peace. Not sure if that is exactly what would happen, but I get the meaning.
I am not very quick to listen and even worse at listening to understand.
That is an interesting thought, Kendra. It’s hard isn’t it? Thanks for your comment!
Thanks for linking up with Matrimonial Monday! I’m so glad I found you. This is so very true. My husband is a wonderful listener. He’ll listen and then slowly ask if I want his opinion/resolution or not. We’ve been together for over 15 years and I still haven’t mastered this. I try to learn from him on a daily basis.
My wife and I really enjoy reading your comments and I find myself going back and revisiting them. As this is November and I am commenting on this one and everyone else did in October. As a man it is extremely difficult for me to focus on conversation. I am always thinking about meaningless things if you consider the big picture. Needless to say I am always distracted. Even riding in the car ( she doesn’t like my diving because I look everywhere except where I am going aledgely) so I look at cars, houses, farms golf courses to name a few. Or Sports Center is on and I have listen. So I have to stop everything look her in the eyes and every few minutes paraphrase what she says. Last night we were talking and our daughter came in the room so our discussion paused. I got up and went into the laundry room and started folding clothes and she started cooking dinner when she ask me how come when we talk we can’t do anything else. I told her that is what I have to do to be able to listen to you. I sit at the counter in the kitchen while she cooks dinner and talk to her or listen to her. SO husbands if you value your marriage I suggest that you try some of these and see if you don’t find yourself in a good conversation with your wife. I love my wife and my marriage so this is a minute change to she her my love for her. Remember ladies we(men) can multitask when it comes to watching TV and eating, but that is about it.
Thanks so much, Charli! I appreciate you reading AND commenting! It’s great to hear from a husband on this issue and you did give some great suggestions and reminders for all of us! I hope you will continue to read!