There is one thing I write in every wedding card I give, any guest book I sign, and any bridal shower note of encouragement I fill out. I say this same thing to any pre-marital counseling clients I see, to every couple of whom I am coordinating their wedding, and to any bride I am helping to plan her special day. It is just four simple words that I say to any friend, relative, acquaintance, or even stranger I know that is getting married. Those four words are this: Marriage is a blessing.

It may sounds like a regular, well meaning wish like “Congratulations!” but I mean so much behind those four “simple” words. I want that couple to remember them. I want them to hold on to their truth when times get rough. I never want them to forget just an honor it is to be a husband or a wife.

Unfortunately our world paints a different picture. A picture of a ball and chain or a whip that is controlled by the wife to bring down her husband. A picture of a lazy husband who never helps out. Endless images depicted on television, movies, and music of couples who endlessly bicker and struggle with one another. A constant false reminder that marriage only pulls you down, does not allow you to have fun, and binds you together with another whether you like them forever or not.

These pictures of marriage sadden me and honestly scare me at times. If this is what the future generation of one-day married individuals are seeing and believing, what will the future of marriage look like? But I don’t think it needs to be this way.

Marriage is a blessing. God designed it that way. From the beginning of human existence He saw that man needed a helper (Genesis 2). Someone to love him, someone to share in his life, and someone to walk along side him through good times and bad. Marriage is a blessing. It is a constant reminder of just how much Christ loves us and sacrificed for us (Ephesians 5). Marriage is a blessing. It is a union so strong and so powerful, that it burrows itself into the depths of our hearts.

I hope this will be a reminder to you. Marriage is not perfect (or should I say, it’s participants are not). It is not easy. Marriage takes work and is a lifelong process.

BUT.

Marriage is a blessing. 

How’s married life been going lately? Are you happy with your spouse? Are they meeting your needs? On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the happiest, where would you rank your marriage?

Have you ever thought, though, that the point of your marriage may not be to make you happy?

I’ll be honest, I don’t always think this way. In fact, as the selfish sinner that I am, I often think (even if subconsciously) that Matt’s job is to make me happy. That marriage was designed for my own purposes rather than the Lord’s, and that if I’m not happy, something isn’t right. Please tell me I’m not alone here! It’s just so easy to look at our own desires than to look at what God wants for our lives.

So what is the purpose of marriage? Perhaps instead of making us happy, the point is to make us holy. Not to meet our own hopes, but to fulfill God’s hope and plan for us. And not to grant us someone that will serve us, but to give us someone who we can serve. The purpose of marriage isn’t for our own happiness, but for God’s glory and to selflessly love someone other than ourselves.

Ephesians 5:33 says “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Let this be our challenge. Not for our own good, but for the good of the one God paired us with. And not for happiness, but for holiness. In verse 32 of Ephesians 5, God likens marriage to His love and sacrifice for His church. What a beautiful picture of how we also can look at our own marriage and to strive to be more like Christ. It’s a lifelong journey to lay down your life for your spouse, but the eternal rewards are glorious.

How can you selflessly love your spouse this week? How can you put them first and think of serving the Lord rather than being served? When you are not feeling happy in your marriage, is there something you can do to put your focus on serving and becoming more holy rather than steaming and becoming more frustrated?

This is a short post with a big challenge. What is the purpose of YOUR marriage?

Over the last few weeks I have seen a growing theme in heartbroken e-mails, desperate friends, and hopeless individuals: Pornography. This one word can sever marriages, destroy leaders, and tear apart all those effected… even if they were not the ones who partook in it.

Porn hurts people. There is no way around it. Our culture tries to lie and confuse others to believe that pornography can somehow spice up a marriage. But ask anyone who has a spouse that struggles with an addiction to pornography and you know, porn tears apart everyone and everything in it’s path.

If you have a spouse that is struggling with this horrific addiction, I’m sorry. While every situation is different, I have an understanding of what you are going through and I will be the first to say, it sucks. It is painful, confusing, frustrating, and at times, seemingly hopeless. While there are no words to “fix the problem”, I can give you some suggestions for the road ahead.

• Grieve. Finding out that your spouse is struggling with pornography is one of the most hurtful things you could ever encounter. It hits deep and is difficult to get through. So when you find out, whether for the very first time or it is the 100th mess up, grieve. According to the psychologist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, there are 5 stages of grieving. When going through this painful time in my own marriage I have found these 5 stages to be quite accurate in how I feel: Denial (or what I refer to as Shock), Anger, Bargaining (which I also think can be questioning in this case), Depression, and Acceptance (or rather, Peace).
  It is a stab to the heart when you hear that your husband or wife was looking at someone else in a sexual manner. Whether this has happened before or not, you will most likely be pretty shocked at first and even be able to deny in your mind that it happened. But as you begin to think about it (because it will likely take over your thoughts) you will find yourself becoming pretty angry and frustrated that they could do such a thing. It will bring on questions and make you wonder “If only I were in better shape…” or “Am I good enough?” thinking that everything would be different if you, yourself, were different. This leads to a depressive state of heartache and self loathing, but if the situation continues to improve – your spouse is working to change and showing that they love you – you may find that while it is still not ok, you can go on and be at peace that there is hope for the future. Maybe this isn’t the exact order for you, but I find it to be fairly accurate for those that have walked this road. Whatever it may look like, give yourself time to grieve.
• Seek others out. First and foremost, help your spouse find accountability. Someone they trust (make sure it is  guy if it is your husband or a girl if it is your wife) that will ask them on a regular basis how they are doing with their struggle. They could also help be an accountability partner on Covenant Eyes (my favorite accountability software for your computer). But also find someone that you can connect with as well. Again, make sure it is someone of the same sex, but choose someone that will not judge your spouse (possibly someone that has also been through this if possible) and confide in them. Holding in what is happening will not help you or your marriage. God created community for a reason and finding others that we can walk through life with is incredibly important.
• Do not withhold sex. This is a hard one. After finding out that your spouse has essentially cheated on you, the last thing you want to do is be intimate with them. But here’s the thing, intimacy is what he/she needs most. Lack of intimacy makes the struggle even more difficult and rejection is even worse. I am not saying you need to initiate after hearing such heart wrenching news. You can be honest and express that right now it will be hard for you. But if they ask? Do not say no. While hard, being intimate with your spouse will be healing for you both.
• Know that it isn’t you. The most common response I have seen when one hears that their spouse is struggling is to think “I’m not good enough.” While hard to believe at the moment, you are amazing. It doesn’t matter how you look or what you have or have not done, this is a struggle that your spouse has that has nothing to do with you. Yes, you are a part of the solution, but he/she chose to sin and that is NOT your fault. Do not blame yourself for the snare Satan has captured your loved one in. It does not matter what you look like, how you have acted, or what you have chosen to do. Unless you physically put the porn in front of their eyes, there is no reason to blame yourself.
• Once a struggle, always a struggle. While I absolutely believe in God’s true healing and believe that He is capable of changing any heart and breaking down any struggle, porn is something to always be aware of. A struggle with porn is an addiction to porn and if you know anything about addiction you know that once an addict, always an addict. If someone has an addiction to alcohol, their family and friends will be careful to not drink in front of them or to ever offer them an alcoholic beverage. Even if they have been sober for 20 years. The same is true with any addiction, including one with porn. If they have struggled with porn before, chances are they still struggle or the potential for them to fall again is high. Be on guard. Help your spouse by guiding their eyes away from scandalous advertisements and choosing not to see movies that might have sex scenes or immodest people in them. Put protection on your computers and televisions and help them in any way you can. Stand up for your marriage and be there for your mate.
• Press on. When this news hits, you may be very tempted to give up. On your spouse, on your marriage, and possibly on love and faithfulness all together. This hurt and pain probably feels daunting and like an intense mountain you will never be able to able to summit to see the other side, but know that there is hope. Our God is a God of hope and second chances. He is the redeemer and loves you and your spouse more than you will ever know. Do not give up. While it may not seem like it at times, your marriage is worth it. Your spouse is worth it. And you are worth it. Allow God in and trust in His redeeming power. Pray for your spouse daily and build up protection around him or her.

Philippians 4:12-13 ~ I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Psalm 31:24 ~ Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!

Romans 12:12 ~ Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Psalm 71:14 ~ But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more.

Ephesians 4:32 ~ Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

This is my hubby. He’s the best daddy ever. Yes, I am bragging.

You’ve grown up hearing that it’s not nice to brag. You shouldn’t throw it someone else’s face that you have something that they don’t. While I agree with that last part, I want to step out on a limb here…

I want you to brag.

Not in an effort to put anyone down, and not to lift yourself up to others either. In fact, I want you to brag for the complete opposite reason — to lift up. To be more specific, I want you to brag on your spouse.

What has your husband done lately that made you feel loved?
What has your wife done today that made you proud of her?

Maybe your spouse did something extremely nice for you. Like picking you up your favorite candy while they were at the store. Or maybe your counterpart accomplished a big work project. It could be as simple as your husband or wife doing the dishes without complaining.

Whatever it is, whether a daily task or a once in a lifetime achievement, brag on them today. And do not just brag to others, brag so your spouse can see/hear it. Brag on them to your friends, family, or even the random stranger in line behind you. Brag on them on Facebook, Twitter, or any other social media outlet. Brag on them today and whenever you have the opportunity.

Lifting someone up is nice, but lifting them up in front of others is amazing. It’s hard NOT to feel loved when your spouse says something nice about you in front of others.

So go ahead: notice something about your partner and lift them up. I think you’ll find that you’ll feel good afterwards too.

One thing has been made very clear to me over these last 6 weeks of having a child… I have a control issue.

Not with people or anything serious, but with smaller, non-important issues. Like towels.

I like my towels folded just right, and put on the shelf JUST so. Since being busy with a little one, Matt has been sweet to step up and do a lot around the house on top of his normal “duties” and his job. I appreciate everything he does. Until he does the towels.

I try not to squirm as I watch him fold, and try not to (immediately) fix his “mistake” but for some reason I just like my towels how I like my towels! Anybody with me on this?

Anyway. It’s made me think of how we can be controlling in our marriages. Things are fine until our spouse does not do something JUST the way we like it. They got us a sweet gift, but it wasn’t exactly what we hoped for. They said we looked nice instead of calling us beautiful. They didn’t initiate sex tonight when it was “made clear” that that is what is wanted.

It can be easy to control certain parts of our relationship and be frustrated when things are not acted out as you like them to be. What if we let our areas of control go? Instead of seeing the problem as that of our spouse’s, what if instead we contributed to it ourself? It is ok to express our desires in a loving way to our husband or wife, but when we do not accept what they do because it is not the way WE desire it, then there is a problem.

If you tend to control situations with your spouse, I encourage you to let it go. Trying to make things go your way every time will inevitably put down the person that you should be lifting up the most. It can make him or her feel incapable, frustrated, and even unloved. Instead, consider what is really important and let go of the things that are not.

Even if it’s over the towels. Just let go of the perfect towels.

5 Things I’m Glad We Did Before Having Children

I realize that not everyone is able to plan when they are having children, and that some may not believe in planning it and I completely respect that. Whether you use birth control or not is not my agenda here, but rather encouraging you to enjoy every minute you have with just you and your spouse before that first kiddo comes along. Whether that be ten years after the “I do’s” or just a mere few months.

1. I’m glad we learned to live together. We waited until we were married to live together, so as you can imagine, there were a few things we both needed to adjust to. Petty issues such as keeping the toothpaste cap on and putting away the mail instead of leaving it on the counter have been discussed at length (and are sometimes resolved ). Important issues such as how we each want to spend our free time and what really hurts each other’s feelings have also been discussed and are taken much more seriously. We have not only learned to live together, but how to work together and that makes a world of a difference when you bring a kiddo into the picture. The transition with our new family member has been made easier because we know each other and our space so well.
2. I’m glad we traveled. Let me preface this by saying that this is also a pet peeve of ours. SO many people told us “Make sure you do lots of traveling before you have kids!” to which we would think to ourselves… “Would you like to pay for these travels?” Generally as newly weds, you don’t have a lot of cash or time to drop on lavish vacations. But now that I look back on our last 5 ½ years together, I realize that we traveled more than I thought and we did so without going into debt. We took short road trips to fun cities that were a few hours away. We saved and went on a cruise. We took advantage of some cheap airline tickets and visited friends in another state. And when we couldn’t go far, we stayed in hotels for a night or two for a “stay-cation” and enjoyed time with each other. It’s hard to travel but when you can, do so. Do not go into debt for it, but find ways you can get away and spend time with your spouse. When kids come around it is hard enough to get out of the house, let alone to get away, so take the opportunity now!
3. I’m glad we figured out sex. It sounds weird, but having several years to figure out sex for each other instead of sex for the purpose of a baby was very helpful. We figured out likes and dislikes, got through frustrations, and laughed at the “mistakes”. We had a very good amount of time to focus on each other and the enjoyment of sex in marriage before trying to conceive and having sex be more aimed towards a goal. 
4. I’m glad we have a grasp on finances. We are blessed, but money can sometimes be tight depending on the month. It has been extremely helpful to have the time to figure out money and how we handle it separately and together.  In case you didn’t know, babies are EXPENSIVE and I can’t imagine being thrown into all the costs of having a child before we really knew how to work together financially. We now each know our budget, we know how to talk through purchases and bills, and we have learned to be gracious with one another as we walk through rough money situations. Knowing how your spouse handles money is so important before having a baby!
5. I’m glad we made memories. We will have many many times of making memories with kiddos now in the picture, but I’m so thankful that we made memories with just the two of us first. We have lots of inside jokes and times of laughter, and we have also had some hard times that we struggled through hand in hand. I’m thankful for each of these times, because they brought us closer and stronger together, making us closer and stronger now as parents. We have learned how to sail through good times and bad, and I know how helpful that will be for the rough and smooth waters ahead.

I am beyond thrilled to be a mommy now and am thankful for how God has answered our prayers by granting us a child. But I am also so thankful for our 5 ½ years together as a married couple and how it has given us such a solid foundation for our growing family. God’s timing is perfect, and I know He will show you just how long He will have you wait for children (one way or another) if you ask Him. Be patient for His timing and know that it will happen at the perfect point in your marriage. Trust Him, because I can tell you first hand that His plan is the best.

It’s hard to believe that my baby boy is already  close to 5 weeks old and that this is the final guest post before I “return” from maternity leave. Granted, I haven’t really left, but having a break from thinking about what the next post will involve has been a blessing so I could focus solely on my sweet boy and healing from my cesarean. Next week I will be back and finish up this series on kiddos and your marriage. Blogging will look a little different now, but I’m excited to be back and for the new challenge.

So for our last guest post, I present to you Lori from Encourage Your Spouse. She is a talented writer and I appreciate her taking the time to help me out! I also appreciate the great advice she has for steps to take after your new baby arrives. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did! Thanks, Lori!

Adding a little person into your life is a time of rejoicing. It’s a time of hugs, and cuddling, of arranging and rearranging, of experiencing new highs and euphoric  all-consuming love. This time stretches the person you’ve been until you become more — all to meet the needs of this small human entrusted into your care.

Such an amazing time.

So intimate and affirming.

But what about you and your spouse?

I imagine all  you’re experiencing is echoed in your spouse — in a shifted pattern. Are you both feeling stretched? Just a little?

How are you and your love — that person you married — remaining connected? How can you grow your connection with your spouse even while welcoming and rejoicing over that beautiful and amazing someone new?

You’re going to become reliant on each other in ways you never imagined. You might be a very self-reliant person — capable and strong. But with a new person in your family the every-day activities like cooking and shopping, cleaning and laundry might tax your strength. Perhaps one person will need to take over certain chores they’ve never attempted before. It’s good.  That’ll add to your feeling of connection. Being needed, and having a need fulfilled is wonderful.

Remaining connected and growing your connection with each other can’t take up too much energy, because there’s a lot being expended right now. I get it. So here are 3 easy ways to nurture your love.

3 Ways to Grow Your Connection

In every marriage there are seasons of close intimacy and then there are other seasons – times when it’s more difficult because of outside circumstances to be intimate. (Intimate both in heart areas and with our bodies.) Why not just focus on areas you’re already good at?

Speak words of affirmation.

Be deliberate about giving each other two compliments every day. Be specific. Challenge yourself to find two new attributes, or actions you are thankful for every day. Yes. Each day. Two new ways you admire your spouse.

This focus on your spouse will show you are still noticing who they are as individuals – your God-designed, growing and precious mate.

You can whisper these affirming words, or write them on a post-it note, or sing them or text them, or leave them in the dust that’s on the dining table. (‘Cause there’s a little one in your life now and who needs to dust?)

Play together.

Be silly. Be active. Put your wee new bundle down, and let him or her see mom and dad playing together. Give yourself permission to be fun. No matter how small, your little addition is learning from you two!

Throw a Frisbee or paper airplanes – or if it’s hot where you are, then toss water balloons. Tickle each other. Play hide and seek.  Do a dance, or one of those computer/console activities on a game console. Remember – you’re still young (at heart)!

Yes, you’re now responsible for another human being, but don’t forget to play together as husband and wife. Laugh. Move. Dance. Chase each other around the house. Be active, even it’s only for a few moments. Do it together!

Touch each other.

Yes, of course I mean in the intimate sexual way you’ve been exploring since your wedding day. (and quite possibly resulted in this new life added to your household.)

But wait. There’s more…

Yes. There’s more.

Use these two ways of touching every day – and grow your connection to each other:

Hug every day – just the two of you – for more than 60 seconds.  In research studies hugging has been shown to reduce blood pressure, to encourage the “let-down” reflex in nursing moms, and to increase the hormone oxytocin  which will make both of you feel good.  Try hugging in the shower or bath. That way you’ll be accomplishing two activities at once!

Put your new addition down – in a safe spot – and let him or her see mom and dad hugging. This is another positive thing to lay into your child’s heart. You can find time for one minute of hugging.

Hold hands. The most sensitive areas of the body are hands, including the fingertips, lips, face, neck, tongue, and feet. Hold your spouse’s hand for a while every day. And there’s lots of variations to hold hands so try them all…

Maybe clasp palms while going for a walk. Or link your pinkies together. Hold hands in church or at a social function – give a squeeze now and again. Link and intertwine your fingers together.  If you’re sitting together gazing at that new addition who is (finally) sleeping, massage your spouse’s hand – include their wrist and forearm as part of the touching. Your spouse’s arms are carrying more than they’ve been accustomed to.

Remember that this hand holding stuff is much more than skin to skin – you’re also holding your spouse’s heart.

What a blessing.

Adding someone to your family will change the dynamics forever. You’ll never stop being their mom or dad even after your little one is grown and gone. What begins with a mom and dad – will continue after that child is gone. Stay connected with your spouse, because it’s going to be the two of you together once this little one grows to adult-hood.

There’s a saying, “The best gift you can give your child, is loving their mother/father.”

It’s true.

Because LOVE is a blessing.

That’s what remains years later, and generations later: Love.

Leave a legacy of love – start with the small stuff.

Lori Ferguson is a writer with a passion to encourage.  She’s a Christ follower, wife of 28 years, and mom to grown kids. You can find her online at EncourageYourSpouse.com where she blogs somewhat regularly about encouragement in marriage. Lori and her husband work with couples in business together, tackling the double-headed monster of marketing and marriage.

The scent of Johnson’s Baby Shampoo will transport me back to my children’s baby days quicker than the theory of relativity. Remembering the joy and chaos of our family’s sprouting season fills my heart with a myriad of emotions. I was ecstatic, proud, grateful, uncertain, scared and exhausted. I relished the job of rearing our precious bundles of potential into adulthood.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens,” Ecclesiastes 3:1.

As I’ve mentioned in other posts, the greatest challenge for me in this season was mentally meshing motherhood with wifehood. I had a hard time switching gears between mama and sex kitten. This wasn’t just an issue for the first six weeks of healing, or the first year. For me, this problem lasted a bit longer.

My unseasonably long dry spell, put a strain on our marriage.

Dr. Linda Papadopolous says, “The two aspects of womanhood, mother and sexual partner, are not mutually exclusive but we are made to feel they are. In reality, every woman has it in her to be both sexy and maternal. We should be able to be both.” (www.dailymail.co.uk)

Societal conditioning may be part of it, as Dr. Papdopolous suggests. The readjusting physical changes of pregnancy, breastfeeding and fatigue, also, have great influence on our sensual mindset.

49% of new mothers studied at the University of Aberdeen still had intercourse problems after the first 12 months. It’s not an uncommon issue.

Here are some thoughts I’ve had in the subsequent years:

Juggling the Duality

Breasts are both sensual for your husband and nourishing for your children. I didn’t feel very sexy when I was leaking during intimacy.

With three toddlers, sometimes I was over stimulated by the mere act of touching. Sweet little hugs around my legs, the unexpected slam of a head into my chin from underneath, holding a hot little body next to me for hours, the pats and pokes were all cause for me to withdraw. Who knew I had such a developed need for personal space?

A Meaningful Glance

Instead of brushing touch off altogether, if I had taken the time to make the glance, meaningful soft gazes would have been soul nourishing. His eyes would have touched my heart. Remember dating and you would catch his eye across the room? I still craved connection, just in a different way. If I’d connected at the soul level better, maybe I would have accepted his touch better.

We Time

My husband was great in providing plenty of ‘me-time.’ He had no qualms in wrangling the three little he-urchins solo so that I could enjoy time out with girlfriends or crafting.

In looking back, what would have remedied much of these issues wasn’t ‘me-time,’ but ‘we-time.’

Time talking alone together, consistently, would have been the perfect gift. Not talking over the dinner table dodging spaghetti sauced hands and sloppy kisses. It’s hard to have intimacy on deeper levels when there isn’t much communicating aside from the fact checks.

The sensual side of you needs to be nurtured through interaction with your husband that does not involve little people. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date night either. Pop a movie in for the kids and get 15 minutes of talk time in the other room. Carve out 15 minutes during the day to chat on the phone.

Incorporate your other half.

Growing up in a home with very traditional roles for man and woman, I assumed the children were ‘my sphere’ and to that extent I unknowingly excluded my husband. I think today’s generation of young men are going to be great fathers. (Not that the last generation wasn’t great!) They understand fathering is more than a paycheck and military discipline, but nurturing through their unique male style and helping their honey. His willingness will help your fatigue and will help cement family team spirit as you work toward the common goal of washing, drying, and imparting Bible knowledge!

Lavish praise and prayer on one another.

You are both entering uncharted territory as new parents. Even if this isn’t the first child, every child brings with it a different personality and needs. With each additional child, the family takes on new dynamics. Sleep deprivation makes us cranky, keep this in mind and thwart the crankiness with niceness! Spiritually feed each other with words of praise and encouragement through the new experiences and joint words of prayer to the Father.

“The good man brings good things out of the good stored in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of the heart his mouth speaks,” Luke 6:45

Ambience and Hope

Your sensual nature is so much more than biological processes and physical stimulation, even though the physical is significant. For me it had a lot to do with the ambience of our relationship.

Not every new mom will deal with this kind of sexual disenchantment. But, if you do, the upside to new-mama-low-libido is that it’s usually temporary. Have HOPE, your sexy will return. AND with it, you will have new confidence. Your new role has given you many experiences that you have conquered; birth, possibly breastfeeding, maintaining your relationship with the Lord, continuing to function in spite of sleep deprivation, creating an inviting home, caring and nurturing your new mission field (your child!), all the new people you meet because of the children (doctors, teachers, coaches, other parents), making your husband proud.

Embracing the WHOLE

In the end, I realized learning to switch gears really wasn’t the answer. It was when my identity embraced both aspects of motherhood and sensual being, that I hit my stride.

Give yourself time to accept the new layers of your identity, but don’t let go of who you are.

Additional Thoughts

If you wish to explore common hormone imbalances that could affect libido check out “Common Female Hormone Conditions.”

Be aware that postpartum depression is very real and doesn’t mean you are faulty!!! If life seems out of control and you are in a panicked state, check out this postpartum guide from the Mayo Clinic.

Check out Marriage Missions International: Coping with Change after the First Baby is Born.

Pearl’s focus is restoring waning female libido and sexual intimacy because of her own challenges in this area.  But, the grittiness of life (parenting children with learning differences and navigating the genepool of mental illness) has also shaped Pearl.  Her luster comes from the HOPE she’s received from the beloved Word of God.  She wishes to share HOPE with her beautiful readers to help them redeem their low-libido.  You can find Pearl in the OysterBed (www.oysterbed7.com).

Mothers are very in-tune with their children. God designed us to be extremely detail oriented and good multitaskers, taking care of everyone and keeping track of the physical/emotional/mental/spiritual needs and crises of everyone in the house. We tend to study the latest theories and medical research about how to best care for infants and toddlers. We are usually the ones who shop, prepare the meals, organize the schedule, and handle most of the day-to-day functioning of the home and the care of our children. These are all great things! Moms are critically important in the lives of their children and their feminine influence, care-giving, instruction and discipline are vital to children thriving and doing well in life.

Fathers are usually not with their children as much as mothers. They may not spend much time checking out the latest parenting and medical research. Men aren’t designed to be as into the details as women are and they almost NEVER do things the way that their wives do them. But that is OK! God designed fathers to have an equally vital role in the lives of their children as the role that mothers have.

But dads are designed by God to be more authoritative, more intimidating, bigger and stronger. God designed fathers to help children learn to take some risks and experience adventure. God gave dads to children to help them have another way of looking at life, seeing the big picture more, and having the perspective of a man to influence the children’s outlook on life. God designed fathers to be tough and to help keep children out of trouble, to protect them from dangerous paths in life, to demonstrate the love, grace and discipline of God. Fathers are not mothers! They don’t act like mothers. Men don’t think like women.

Dads don’t have the exact same priorities as mothers. Dads train their little boys to become strong, tough, wise, capable, responsible men who are ready for leadership. Dads teach their little girls how a man should treat a woman. Dads protect their girls from guys with impure motives and have the HUGE responsibility of being the authority over the marriage and children until the children are adults. Fathers are ultimately responsible to God for how they run their families and how they train their children. Children NEED fathers just as much as they need mothers. A woman can’t take the place of a father.

Whether we are dealing with our husbands or an ex-husband who is the father of our children – I believe that it is our duty before God as mothers and wives to uphold our children’s dad with the utmost respect before our children. The level of respect we use when we talk to our children’s father, the tone of voice we use, the facial expressions we use – that is how our children will learn to treat every authority in their lives in the future. Our children are completely dependent upon our example as moms and wives to get this right! God designed our husbands to need our genuine respect. And God designed our children to need to witness our continual example of respect for their dad. If we undermine the authority of our husband (or our children’s father), we will do irreparable damage to our children and their understanding of God, of God’s design for authority, their ability to submit to authority that God has put over them, and we will virtually destroy their ability to have a healthy romantic relationship or marriage. We have SO much power to help or to harm our husbands and our children by our respect for our husbands and our willingness to cooperate with their leadership in the family.

When we don’t agree with our husbands’ parenting

Mothers and wives are not going to always agree with fathers and husbands. We are designed to look at the world from different perspectives so that together we can work for the best for our marriages and children. Husbands may seem too rough to us, too harsh, too strict. Sometimes they may seem too unstructured, too laid back, too relaxed to us as mothers. I can, in private, respectfully talk with my husband and appeal to him to be the great man that I know he is if I think he has lost perspective or lost his temper. I can say things like:

• “Your influence on our children is so important. They really look up to you. Thank you for making some time to play with them this week. That means the world to me and to them!”
• “What you said seemed harsh to me, but I trust that you will do what is best for our son. Thank you for taking the time to correct him and for loving him and being willing to discipline him. He needs you so much right now.”
• “I know that you didn’t have the acceptance and love that you needed from your dad, but I trust that you will make sure that our son doesn’t have to suffer with you like you did with your father. You’re a better man than that.” (kiss him and walk away and let him think about what he needs to do)
• “Our daughter is being really disrespectful towards me, would you please help me with her?”
• “Thanks for backing me up tonight at supper when the children were not behaving. I could tell that your discipline and your talking to them made a huge difference. I’m so glad you are their dad!”
• “I feel afraid to let our son have a cell phone right now. I don’t think he is responsible enough. But I trust your judgement and will support you if you think this is the right thing to do.”
• “I want to do X, but I will support your decision and trust that God will show you what path we need to take.”
• “Thank you for being the leader in our home. What can I do to make things better/easier this week?”

What we as wives and mothers absolutely need to AVOID is talking to our men like this:

• “I’m his mother! You’re not with him all day! I know what he needs! Who are you to think you can just waltz in here after being gone all day and think you know better than I do!” (We need to remember that God gives our husbands wisdom that He doesn’t give to us. And He gives us wisdom that He doesn’t give to our husbands. It is the combination of mother and father’s ideas and perspectives that give a child the best. But ultimately our husbands are responsible before God for their decisions and they are appointed by God to be the leaders in our families. We can say what we believe is best and offer our perspective and insight, and then we trust God to lead our husband to do what is best. This is really about my trust in God to work through my husband, even if he makes mistakes. If our husband is being abusive or doing something wrong, then we need to confront him, respectfully, but very firmly and say that we cannot tolerate our children being abused and we will leave and protect our children if our children are not safe with him. But usually, we say what we believe, respectfully, and then graciously accept our husband’s decision and wait to see what God will do.
• “Your ideas are stupid! You’re obviously just an idiot and can’t handle anything! I’ll just do it myself!” (Showing this extreme level of disrespect and contempt for a man will either cause him to be enraged with anger or will cause him to give up and just unplug from the family for a LONG, LONG time and the wife will be left doing everything herself with no support from her husband. NOT a good situation.)
• In front of the children, “No, you don’t have to do what Daddy said! That’s ridiculous.” And to the husband, “Why would you tell them they have to do THAT? That’s AWFUL! I totally disagree with you! We’re not doing things your way.” (Undermining a man’s authority in front of his kids and then openly defying his leadership is a TERRIBLE way for a wife to act and there will be very negative consequences to the children and to the marriage.)

And we as mothers absolutely need to AVOID talking to our children like this:

• “Your dad isn’t home right now, so you can jump on the couch – just don’t tell Daddy later!” (undermining Dad’s authority in the mind of a child is extremely dangerous and will have major consequences in the future)
• “I don’t care what your Dad said, you do what I say!”
• “Your dad doesn’t know anything. I’m in charge around here.”
• “I’ll do those chores for you, they’re too much for you, sweetie. Don’t tell Dad!”
• “Don’t tell your father that you got that bad grade/broke the window/got in trouble at school”
• “Your father is making too big of a deal about this, I’ll set him straight.”

I hope that you can see the damage that disrespect can do to a father, to his relationship with his children and to a marriage when a wife/mom insists on being in charge or on being disrespectful and won’t cooperate with her husband’s leadership. Most sitcoms now have marriages and families with these exact kinds of relationships – the fathers are portrayed as fools and the wives and children are portrayed to be much more clever than the dad/husband and mouth off to the man. This is some DANGEROUS stuff that has no place in our families! Even just watching relationship dynamics like that on tv desensitizes us to disrespect of God-given authority in our homes and paves the way for us and our children and for us to mimic that ungodly behavior.

Lord,

Help us to learn what it means to give our husbands respect and to follow their leadership graciously. Use us to model respect for authority for our children. Let us honor You, Your Word, and our husbands with our words, thoughts, attitudes and actions in our homes. Shape us to be godly wives who build up our men and our families and who bless our homes with the fragrance of Christ. Remove worldly, ungodly, sinful ways from our hearts and make us set apart, holy and useful for Your work in our families! Use our husbands to lead our children as You desire them to and for their ultimate best.

Amen.

I am a very happily married mother of two and a part time pharmacist. My husband and I will be celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary this May! My husband is an environmental engineer who has a passion for remodeling our house. We were high school sweet hearts and have been together since 1988!

Now I blog about biblical marriage and godly femininity at www.peacefulwife.com and my husband also blogs about marriage at www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com. You are always welcome to stop by for a visit! We pray God might richly bless your marriage as He has blessed ours.

I’m so thankful to all the guest posts that were given to me for the next month while I take a break to adjust to life with a newborn. First up is J from Hot, Holy and Humorous. If you haven’t checked out her site, I highly recommend you do for great advice on sex in marriage. She is bold and not afraid to talk about the hard/awkward/omg stuff, but writes in a loving, Godly, and hilarious way. I’ve been blessed to have her guest post for me a few times before. You can check out those posts HERE and HERE. Thank you, J! This post is helpful to us and I know it will be for others as well! 

Psalm 127:3 says, “Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.” I love my children with parts of me I didn’t know existed until they came into the world and stole my heart.

That said, children are also an interruption, a frustration, and a pain in the posterior at times. (Just ask God about His children.) They can seriously disrupt a couple’s sleep schedule and sex life. And it starts on Day 1 when the hospital, for some inexplicable reason, sends you home with a small human being and no instruction manual. Here you are wiped out from childbirth, with nothing more than high hopes, a collection of baby supplies, and tidbits of advice from here and there, and you are handed a living, breathing infant.

Coupled with the weighty desire to raise this child well, you also want to keep your marriage alive and healthy. And that includes maintaining physical intimacy with your spouse. Yet it can be an incredible challenge to find balance.

Still, I believe that you are a beautiful, amazing wife and mom; your marriage can stay strong; your intimacy can be managed; and children are indeed a blessing from the Lord. So here are some tips for sex after the baby comes.

1. Let yourself heal. If you attempt intercourse too soon, you may traumatize that area more and have to wait longer before trying again. Expect that there will be a period of time when your focus is on physical recovery and getting to know your baby. In fact, the Old Testament required women to refrain from sex for at least 1-2 weeks (and based on an interpretation I don’t want to cover here, up to 80 days) so that they could heal. These days, most doctors suggest waiting 4-6 weeks to resume intercourse.

2. Remember that sex isn’t only intercourse. If you can’t score the touchdown now, kick a field goal. You need not define sex narrowly as the Tab A/Slot B conjoining. You can perform a “hand job,” give your husband a “blow job,” or mutually masturbate. As long as you are comfortable with it and focused on one another, find other physically intimate activities while your lady parts heal and your baby learns to sleep for longer than a movie lasts. In fact, look at this time as an opportunity to try something different, explore your spouse, master a new skill.

3. If it’s time to resume and sex is painful, report it to your doctor. Then ask for a physical examination. For example, after the birth of one of my children, our attempts to copulate felt like daggers being stabbed into my vagina. Thankfully, I discovered that I was very low on estrogen, and my doctor prescribed a treatment cream which remedied the problem (see Pain & Pleasure). The first time won’t be as comfortable, but intercourse shouldn’t make you cringe and cry.

4. Engage in plenty of non-sexual affection. Baby will need lots of attention. It’s easy to redirect affection onto this little one and find yourselves not touching one another as much. But even if you can’t be sexually intimate, you can convey intimacy through touch. Reserve some hugs, hand-holding, brushes against a body, and cuddling for your husband. Remind him through affection that you still desire him and, when the time is right, you can resume sexual activity. A 20-second hug has even been shown to release oxytocin, the body’s bonding chemical, helping you to feel connected.

5. Be amazed by your body. After the birth of the baby, your hormones can get as tangled up as a twisted slinky. Your body takes time to readjust. Plus, your body doesn’t look quite like it did before. Thus, many moms are prone to having low to no sex drive, crying for any and all reason, and standing in front of the mirror in a full-fledged pity party over the changes in their body. But moms, believe it when your husband says that you are gorgeous, he is amazed by you, and he wants you as much as ever. So what if you have circles under your eyes from 3:00 a.m. feedings? So what if your jelly belly hangs over your undies? You gave birth to a new life. You rock! You are beautiful, desirable, and sexy!

6. Remember “This too shall pass.” This proverb is often attributed to King Solomon. (It’s the same phrase you’ll want to repeat to yourself when your child learns the word whatever accompanied by an eye-roll, circa age 13). You’re spending the rest of your life with your hubby, so you’ve got umpteen years to go at it like wild monkeys. Having to sit on opposite sides and snack on bananas for a few weeks won’t seem like such a long time when all is said and done. Re-establish your sex life as soon as you can, but don’t sweat every moment either. Resume activity and increase sexual frequency as your body heals and the demands on your time decrease.

The days are long, but the years go fast. Enjoy your little one and let this time bring you and your husband together.

J is a Christian, a wife, a mom, a writer, and a work in progress. She writes anonymously at Hot, Holy & Humorous, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.